Appreciating a child is not just about appreciating his strengths, it's about how he sees his weaknesses. If you always look at him with a "Newton-like" vision, he will really become more and more like Newton.
We often say that Yuan Yuan is "like Newton", this is not a praise, but a criticism, criticizing her for not paying attention in daily life and making all kinds of low-level mistakes.
This phrase comes from a story Yuan Yuan read when she was a child. It says that Newton was so engrossed in his experiments that once a friend came to see him at noon, but just couldn't wait. The friend joked with him, ate all the lunch the maid had prepared for Newton, and left. When Newton finally came out of the lab, he walked to the table, looked at the mess on the table, and said to himself, "So I've already eaten", then left the table and went back into the lab.
Geniuses are so obsessed with something that they often make fools of themselves in life, doing things that make people laugh or get angry, and this has become a classic story. But when these kinds of people and things happen in real life, they are mostly seen as "inattentive" and "unintelligent", causing people to be dismissive or angry. This is especially true in the education of children.
The vast majority of children spend their childhood absorbed in something. Or they think with all their heart about where the first chick came from, so much so that they don't hear their mother calling for dinner three times; or they play so much that they forget to go to the bathroom and pee their pants; or they may read an interesting picture book and forget to do their homework ...... A thousand children will have a thousand things to be obsessed with, even though they may seem to adults In addition to the childishness and lack of life experience of children, they often do some ridiculous things and even get into some small trouble.
The attitude of adults toward these little "no's" of children is not a trivial matter and can have a profound impact on children.
A friend of mine talked about her unfulfilled literary dreams and told an incident. When she was in junior high school, she used to read novels while pulling the bellows to steam steamed buns, and she ended up reading so much that she didn't pay attention to the fire and put it out. Nearly thirty years later, she still talks about this incident is very sad, think this has a long-lasting negative impact on her mental health and career growth. Comparing her experience with Edison's mother's understanding and support of her son's various "faults," one can really feel that the parents' attitudes and handling of these details are crucial to a child's eventual success or failure to become "talented.
How to look at the small mistakes that children unintentionally make, and what kind of attitude parents should take to deal with these small mistakes - this is actually a big issue in family education.
My daughter Yuan Yuan, as an ordinary child, often makes small mistakes that others would make. For example, she spends hundreds of dollars to buy an electronic dictionary, but loses it within a few days and doesn't know where to throw it; she makes scrambled eggs, and after cracking the egg skin, she knocks the egg mixture directly into the trash, and then considers where to throw the egg shells, only to find that she made a mistake; she asks her to put the clippers back into the toolbox, but she takes them around the house and returns to ask me why I gave her the clippers. Whenever this happens, I can only say that she is "like Newton".
Her "Newtonian behavior" also often caused me trouble. When she was in junior high school, she lived at school and came home once a week. At first, when she returned to school on weekends, she always forgot something necessary and called home to ask for a ride when she arrived at school. Her school was far away from home, so her father and I lost half a day to make the trip, and we had to ask for leave from work. Whenever this happens, we are also angry in our hearts, but never admonished her because of this, only to say that we are particularly busy and it is too bad to waste time like this. That's enough talk. We understand that when your child calls you, she already knows that she has caused trouble for her parents due to her negligence, and in this case parents don't need to reprimand her, if they do, it gives her the opportunity to defend herself but refuse to reflect.
Although her father and I are a little worried about what she has forgotten every time she returns to school and we have to make a trip, we don't help her pack her things, we just tell her to think about it and bring everything with her. This persists for a while, she rarely loses anything and can pack all the things she should bring by herself. I saw her make a small book to write down all the things she had to do, and before she left, she went through it again to see if there was anything she hadn't done.
There are various human shortcomings. In terms of life care, Yuan Yuan is not a very capable person, this is certainly related to our education, should be unintentionally to do a lot of things that should be done by her; may also be related to human nature, everyone's ability and weaknesses are not necessarily manifested in which area. We are aware of these problems and try to accept them on the one hand, and try to help her overcome her weaknesses on the other. But this help is not an enthusiastic effort to help her do this or that. Knowing that parents cannot help her for the rest of her life, our "help" is to let her do as much as possible on her own; what we have to do is mainly to be "patient" and allow her to make a mess of things.
If you are afraid that your child will not be well thought out, adults will think about everything for him and keep an eye on him, which will help your child in the long run. Everything should be left to the child to consider, to do, to make more mistakes, in order to slowly learn to do a good job.
When Yuan Yuan started high school, she was always in a hurry in the morning and often forgot to take her keys or bring her watch, making it very inconvenient for her, so her father and I often reminded her to "take her keys" and "wear her watch". After a while, we realized that this was not the case. She kept relying on our reminders and didn't think of ways to remind herself. I told her to put her keys in her school bag as soon as she came back and locked the car, and to make sure she had her keys the next day when she carried her school bag, not to leave them on the writing desk when she entered the house; and to take off her watch and put it in the pouch of her school bag. She promised, but she was often absent-minded and used to throw her keys and watch on the writing table.
On another occasion, she was caught without her keys and was unable to lock her bike at school. Not locking her bike was a violation of school rules, and she had to write a review, and it also affected her class merit score. We didn't say anything like "I warned you before", but just made a joke that she was like Newton, who inevitably makes small mistakes; and encouraged her to clean the public classroom a few times according to the school's rules, in order to recover the points deducted from the class. I also took a picture of her neatly written "review" with my camera and teased her that from now on she would collect information for "Dr. Newton" and when she became famous in the future, this would be a classic story.
With this attitude, Yuan Yuan became happy and was no longer depressed about the matter. She quickly recovered the points she had lost in class through school work, and most importantly, she really never forgot her bike keys and watch again after that.
It's not that parents shouldn't criticize their children, but does criticism have to be expressed in the usual "critical" way?
Just like a cut naturally hurts, a child who makes a small mistake or gets into trouble will feel embarrassed, guilty and in pain without being told to do so. If parents do not take into account the child's psychology, and then put on a face and say some words of instruction, say some long-standing reminders, will only make him feel humiliated and annoyed; children in order to protect their own face, in order to express their dissatisfaction with your nagging, may deliberately talk back or make full of care.
If such a lecture and defiance posture often occurs between parents and children, children will gradually really care about their mistakes and be indifferent to their parents' words.
Many people are aware of their child's faults in normal times and need to talk to him properly. But when it comes to unexpected things, often reflexively angry at the child, "I have long reminded you, you actually still ......", "how you are so careless ... The next time you encounter the same thing, you still can't help but first fire. Some parents have to use "I have a bad temper" to excuse themselves, to balance themselves. The "bad temper" in the parents may be a minor problem, but it will bring a big evil to the child. This will make the child's "little problem" into a chronic disease. Or become grumpy, inferior stubborn; or repeatedly taught, repeatedly wrong.
Parents must realize from the inside that children need "trial and error" to grow. The experience and lessons your child learns from life are more impressive than a hundred times you can verbalize. "Making mistakes is a necessary part of a child's growth, and only after a certain number of "hours" can he truly gain the ability to learn from his mistakes, reflect on himself, and improve himself. Parents should understand the value of "faults" and see that in their child's growth, his "faults" and "achievements" have the same positive educational function.
As for the occasional "fault" to the child himself and his parents brought time, economic and other aspects of the loss, counted as the training of children must pay tuition fees, can be returned to his growth, success, success. If he breaks a newly purchased toy car, he may have the interest and potential to build a space shuttle; if he stirs up a pot of vegetables today, he may be a master cook tomorrow. If you look at your child's "bad" behavior with an expectant eye, you will see it as a good opportunity rather than a bad thing. In this state of mind, will you still have "fire" inside you?
"Like Newton" is both a question of how parents understand their children and how to criticize and teach them. It is often said that it is not what one says, but how one says it. We can criticize our children, but we must choose the right way to criticize, in order to protect the child's self-esteem, build self-confidence, and develop their ability to do something for the purpose. Any form of criticism that is damaging to a child's self-esteem, self-confidence and abilities is bad and something that parents should completely quit.
The "Newton-like" way of criticism is to turn a bad thing, something that should be angry, into a joke, letting the child know where he is wrong, without damaging his self-esteem, but also implying an understanding of him, and even hiding a praise for his talents. Such words of criticism are more appealing to children.
Even if there are children who will always be shrewd in the details of life and always have "Newton-like" problems, please allow them to have these problems as long as it is not a big deal.
Think about ourselves, we also have a lot of weaknesses and make small mistakes from time to time. For example, I've made the ridiculous mistake of going out for a run in my sweatshirt more than once, feeling a little awkward in my sweatpants during the run, only to come back and find that I had put the front and back on backwards; going to the mall to return a dress, only to find that I hadn't brought it out at all when I entered the mall ...... These problems grow on me like a skin tone, and are hard to get rid of. My husband and children also have their own "problems", and when they occur, we laugh and laugh, often laughing at our low-level mistakes as "like Newton". This is a totally funny thing in my family, and is not met with scorn or reprimand.
Some children are conscientious and meticulous, some are careless; some are handy, some are clumsy; some are good at paying attention to the little things in life from a young age and act smart and capable; others like to think silently, their thoughts fly all day long, looking like sleepwalkers ...... children's states are very different, we should allow This difference exists. It is this difference that constitutes the richness of human beings.
Some parents who are too perfect pay special attention to every detail of their child's life, and when their child makes some small mistake or shows a lack of ability in some area, they get worried and want to help their child change immediately - and the method they choose is to tell their child how you should be, and once the child makes the same mistake later on They may pull back - at which point they have, in fact, become too harsh parents.
Would Newton have been Newton if he had been lectured all day for not paying attention to the little things in life? Edison would have been Edison if he had been harshly criticized all day long.
Any fault out of experience or absent-mindedness, as long as it does not involve moral issues, does not need to be blamed or angry, or even brought up; the child himself will feel the inconvenience and loss in the process and know what to do in the future. We can certainly tell our children about our own life experiences, but at the same time we must have the patience to wait for him to experience and grow up, and even deliberately create some opportunities for him to taste the bitterness of inattentiveness. As long as the child has self-respect and self-love and has enough experience, he can learn what he should learn and pay attention to what he should pay attention to.
Taking a step back, if your child's nature creates him to be incompetent in certain areas, then he will not change because of parental lessons or constant reminders; instead, he will become even less competent in this area because of your constant nagging, and at the same time increase his low self-esteem.
Appreciating your child is not just about appreciating his strengths, it's about how you see his weaknesses. If you always look at him with a "Newton-like" vision, he will really become more and more like Newton.
Special Tips
If you are afraid of your child's lack of consideration, you will be doing him a favor by keeping an eye on him. You should let your child think and do everything by himself, and make more mistakes so that he can slowly learn to do well.
Just as it is natural to feel pain when you cut yourself, your child will feel embarrassed and feel guilty and painful when he makes some small mistakes or gets into trouble without you saying so. If you don't take into account your child's psychology and say some words to teach him a lesson or remind him of what you have already said, you will only make him feel humiliated and annoyed; he may talk back or act like he doesn't care in order to protect his face and to express his dissatisfaction with your nagging.
A "bad temper" may be a minor problem for the parent, but it can have a major negative effect on the child. It can turn the child's "minor problem" into a chronic disease, or become irritable and stubborn with low self-esteem; or repeatedly teach and make mistakes again and again.
Only after a certain number of hours of study can a child truly gain the ability to learn from his mistakes, self-reflect and improve himself. Parents should understand the value of "faults" and see that in their children's growth, their "faults" have the same positive educational function as their "achievements".
A "Newton-like" criticism can turn a bad thing, something that should have been angry, into a joke, letting the child know where he is wrong without damaging his self-esteem, and implying an understanding of him, or even a hidden praise for his talents. Such criticism is more appealing to the child.
● Any fault out of experience or absent-mindedness, as long as it does not involve moral issues, does not need to be blamed or angry, or even brought up; the child himself will feel the inconvenience and loss in such a process and know what to do in the future.