People are easily suggestible. If a person is always implied to be of good character, kind and friendly, he will gradually develop a sense of self-affirmation in this atmosphere, and his character will develop in a healthy direction; if a person is always implied to have a certain problem, he will constantly deny himself in this area, gradually lose self-confidence, and slide in a bad direction.
When Yuan Yuan was in kindergarten, there was a little boy in his class named Ma Xiaofei, and the two of them got along very well and often played together. One day I went to pick her up, on the way home, she said to me excitedly: "Mom, I like playing with Ma Xiaofei the most, I want to marry Ma Xiaofei when I grow up!" I smiled and said yes. She was happy to see that I agreed, but then she was a little worried, "I don't know if my father agrees." I said then you ask him.
She went home and was anxious to wait for her dad to come back and ask about this "lifelong event", but ended up playing and forgetting about it until her dad went to pick her up a few days later and remembered it on the way home. Her father was also very quick to say "yes" and agreed. As soon as Yuan Yuan came in, she couldn't wait to tell me, "Mom, my dad also agreed to marry Ma Xiaofei when I grow up!" I said happily, "Really, that's great!"
Yuan Yuan was a little worried at this point, "What if we go to school and don't go to the same school and don't know each other anymore?" Hearing her say this, her father and I also made a worried face and said, "Yes, what should we do? Then you think about it. Yuan Yuan thought for a while, suddenly had an idea, "Right, when I grow up, meet a boy, ask him, is your name Ma Xiaofei, then we will know!" When we heard that, we were also happy, yes, this is not to know whether he is Ma Xiaofei it. It was so easy!
With this problem solved, our family started to eat with ease.
Later I heard from the kindergarten teacher that Yuan Yuan and Ma Xiaofei, the two children are more understanding, never hit or scold, and do not grab things with the children, they both like to tell stories, and the two play together never to disagree. It seems that kindergarten also has a "get along" thing.
When they went to elementary school, the little boy and Yuan Yuan were in the same school, not in the same class. The characteristic of primary school students is the lack of real interest between boys and girls, generally boys and boys play, girls and girls play. Yuan Yuan had several very close classmates, and several little girls were together whenever they could. Her father and I once remembered Ma Xiaofei and asked her playfully if she still played with him now and if she wanted to marry him when she grew up. Yuan Yuan said he was a boy and didn't like to play with him, he wasn't in the same class and couldn't see him. We teased her, "So you're not worried that you won't know him when you grow up?" She said she was not worried. It seems she had a "change of heart" and really left Ma Xiaofei in the back of her head after that.
When she entered middle school, she entered the psychological "adolescence" period, and only then did we, as parents, really start to observe her attitude toward interactions with the opposite sex. For example, a boy from a rich family told a girl in her class, "If you are good with me, I will buy you 60,000 yuan of jewelry. When we listened, we didn't deride these things, we just laughed and said that the little boy was adorably childish. From time to time, I also get calls from boys at home, and when we get such calls, it's as natural as getting a call from one of her female classmates to her, calling out to her to answer the phone, and then we back off so she can talk conveniently. Once I even picked up a piece of paper under her desk, probably a pen conversation she had with another girl in class, the two of them talking passionately about a few boys in the class, and could tell they had a hazy crush on some of them. I smiled and put this paper away, ready to return it to her in the future when Yuan Yuan grows up.
Every parent comes from adolescence, remembering our teenage years, we should know how normal it is for middle school students to develop such feelings. So why can't we be more understanding when it comes to our children's emotional development.
Occasionally, when Yuan Yuan received a phone call from a male student, she would talk for a long time, and when she put down the phone she would be a little uncomfortable. I will choose a suitable time and occasion, pretend to inadvertently lead the topic to this, said to Yuan Yuan, boys and girls into adolescence on the opposite sex to have a good feeling, and the desire to contact with the opposite sex, this is normal, but also very good; if not, but may not be normal.
The purpose of my saying this is to dissipate the uneasiness in her heart and let her know that it is healthy and normal for her to have a good feeling for the opposite sex, or for others to have a good feeling for her.
The uneasiness and self-blame that every child feels when they have a crush on the opposite sex during adolescence can even be a feeling of guilt if it develops to a serious degree. Instead of making young boys and girls less interested in the opposite sex, this feeling stimulates the growth of interest. When children are pressured by parents and schools to feel that liking the opposite sex is unclean and immoral, they will act capriciously on the surface and disobey their parents, but inside they are lost and self-despised. Only when children have self-respect and self-love, and feel open and normal when interacting with the opposite sex during adolescence, can they develop self-confidence and rationality, and can do so with dignity and self-control.
I know a parent whose daughter is in her second year of junior high school, very good-looking, and has been studying well. She is especially afraid that her daughter will fall in love early and affect her studies, and has kept a close watch on her daughter from the time she started junior high school. Whenever a boy calls at home, she must ask about it. When the child came home late from school, she would ask questions and call the teacher to verify whether the child was telling the truth. As a result, her daughter's relationship with her became strained.
The parent bought her child a cell phone in order to control her whereabouts and for her safety, but once she secretly checked her daughter's cell phone and found that she was talking to some boys. The daughter has a way, the next day a classmate borrowed a cell phone back to use. When she confiscated the borrowed phone, her child sent her a text message from a strange phone after school saying she was angry and would not be home tonight, and then the phone was turned off. She couldn't find her child, and was so anxious all night. The next day early in the morning to her daughter's school, waiting at the gate with her backpack to school daughter, did not ask where her child had gone all night. The mother was furious and found the class teacher and told him about her daughter not coming home all night. The class teacher went to the head teacher, who immediately held a meeting with the class teachers, announcing that a second year girl had spent the night outside and asking all classes to strengthen the education of students.
Later after the "interrogation" and investigation that the little girl is angry to the Internet cafe to play a night, want to scare the mother, nothing happened. But when the child arrived at school the next day, everything changed, and all the people were looking at her in a different way, as if she had done something all night. Her mother had some regrets about making a big deal out of it, but the impact was irreversible. Under pressure, the child finally had to change schools.
When she arrived at the new school, her mother asked that she not be allowed to associate with boys. But because the girl to the new school, it is difficult to immediately into the new circle of classmates, no friends, learning also fell apart; just as a senior boy came to talk to her, she really and this boy "in love", and finally to run away from home. At this point, the mother finally realized that, in addition to being sad and disappointed, she was at her wit's end.
We can see from this case, in the "early love" and other children's problems, parents actually have two functions, one is to ease and calm, and one is to stimulate reinforcement. All parents want to achieve the first effect, but unfortunately the reality is that many parents have made it the second result. They want to stop their children from falling in love early, but they push them in the wrong way, making them fall into the vortex involuntarily. "The most effective way to shake a child's will is to arouse his sense of guilt." The biggest fault of parents here is to use adult vulgarity to malign some of the children's otherwise normal behavior, artificially creating guilt in the child and objectively pushing the child into an uncontrollable situation.
I once received a text message from a mother saying that her daughter, who was in her third year of junior high school, "had a boyfriend" and asked me what to do. I immediately called back and asked what was going on with the "boyfriend".
It turns out that a boy from another class in her daughter's grade often likes to talk to her daughter after class, and on her daughter's birthday, she called a few classmates to McDonald's and also called the boy, who also gave her daughter a gift, and they sometimes text each other. The mother quietly checked the daughter's cell phone text messages, and the boy sent more text messages between the individual statements are somewhat ambiguous, seems to have some good feelings for each other.
I said to the mother, in our language, "boyfriend" has a specific meaning, on these things, how can you call that boy your daughter's "boyfriend". In fact, there is nothing wrong with the children, it is your own understanding that characterizes the children's relationship.
I certainly understand the mother's concern, she is afraid that if she does not care, her daughter and this boy will continue to develop, will really go "in love", affecting the study. I told her that she should control, but not blindly, first remove the worldly dirt from her own heart, and then control her child. Later, the mother followed my advice and had a talk with her daughter, which had a very good effect.
This is how she talked to her child.
First of all, she affirmed her child and told her daughter that it is normal for her to have a crush on the opposite sex at your age, and it seems that your psychological development and physical development are synchronized and healthy. Besides, the fact that there are boys who like you means that you are a cute girl; the fact that you have a crush on other boys means that you are also a person who appreciates others.
Next she told her daughter that junior high school students have good feelings for the opposite sex, and this is just the beginning; you, as a cute girl, will meet many people who appreciate you in the future, and we should all be grateful to them; at the same time, you will also meet many boys who deserve our appreciation, and each of them has different merits.
Finally, she told her daughter that a person is only worthy of others' appreciation if he or she is cute. If a student is not good in studies, has a mediocre temperament and average ability, what makes others appreciate him/her. For secondary school students, the most important thing is to study, temperament and ability are generated on the basis of academic knowledge. Only by studying well can you become more and more lovely and get appreciated by others, and at the same time you can slowly learn to appreciate others.
This mother later called me again and said that she talked to her daughter in this way and her child was very happy. Since then, her daughter still talks to her mother from time to time about who wrote her notes or sent her text messages, who she thought was nice, etc. The little boy, specifically, still has some interaction, but it has been normal and no different from the other students. What this mom came to realize is that if the adults are sunny inside, the kids will be sunny inside.
In fact, what I want to talk about in this article is not primarily how to teach love, but how adults can look at children with a clean eye and understand them with healthy beliefs. One of the major reasons why many children have deviations in character is that they are constantly subjected to adult "junk thinking". This junk thinking, like the toxic gases and sewage that some companies unilaterally pursue to produce, slowly pollutes the otherwise pure sky and earth of children, with the result that the destructive nature completely offsets its productive nature. Not only in early love, but other aspects of thinking junk can mutate a child as well.
One parent, for example, targeted her child from a very young age, kept a tight rein on her money, and has always guarded her son like a thief. In her consciousness, it seemed as if the child would definitely tamper with money whenever he had the chance. Not only did she keep the money in the house hidden from the child; but when the child wanted to buy something after school, she always asked in a skeptical tone, "Is that thing that much money, you can tell the truth". Even with her consent, the child himself went to her purse to get the money, she must say: "Come, mommy see if you take more money, no sneaking more ah". Under her distrust and close scrutiny, her son developed an interest and ability to counter surveillance. From the time he started middle school, the boy began stealing money from the family. Once he went to an ATM with his father to withdraw money, and when he lost his password, he secretly wrote it down, then secretly took the family's bank card and withdrew $2,000 in three times in a month, all of which he squandered. Every time after the incident of stealing money, parents in addition to the son beat up, can only look up to the sky long sigh, how to give birth to such an indisputable son. The parents really do not understand how their son can become so bad when they have been so wary of him doing bad things in terms of money.
In contrast to the above example, another good friend told me about an incident.
Her third grade son missed his midterm exam at school for some reason, so in order to make up for it, she went to the school and got the midterm exam papers for each subject and had her son do them all at home according to the time of the school exam.
She hesitated for a moment when she handed the papers to her child, considering whether to let him pinch the time himself or let her supervise him; at the same time, she thought about whether to take away all the books in her child's room to prevent him from peeking at them. Her son usually doesn't do well in school, so there must be some content he can't do, so will he sneak to read the answers in the books?
She thought about it for a while and decided to trust her child, so she told him that you pinch yourself and stop doing it at the right time. Nothing else was said, and the door closed and came out.
To her delight, the third-grader knew what the test was supposed to be like, and he managed himself exactly as he would in a school test, stopping to do the questions as soon as the time was up. He didn't even know that there was such a thing as "cheating", and his mother could see through her observations that he had never had any thoughts of secretly going through the book when he couldn't do a question. She couldn't help but sigh: the child is so pure! She was glad that she had made her choice in that moment, glad that she had not subliminally told her child these bad concepts: that it is okay to sneak through books on exams, and that you are not to be trusted.
People are very suggestible, adults included. If a person is always implied by others to be of good character, kind and friendly, he will gradually give birth to a sense of self-affirmation in this atmosphere, and his character will develop in a healthy direction; if a person is always implied to have a certain problem, he will constantly deny himself in this regard, gradually lose self-confidence and slide in a bad direction.
It has been found that even a person's appearance will change under the constant suggestion of others. People with ordinary looks will become more and more radiant under the gaze of appreciation; people with beautiful features will become dry and dull under the constant scorn. Parents treat their children with a healthy mindset in order for them to grow up physically and mentally healthy.
I once read a fable. When Su Dongpo was talking with Buddha Yin, he asked the master, "How do you see me sitting? Buddha Yin said I see that you are sitting like Lord Buddha. Su Dongpo was very happy. Next he said with a mischievous smile, "I see the master sitting like a pile of cow dung. Buddha Yin heard neither angry nor refuted, but just a slight smile. Su Dongpo thought he had taken advantage of the Buddha's seal, and returned home to proudly tell the story to his sister. Su Xiaomei said, "Brother, you lost really badly. Buddha Yin master has Buddha in his heart, so look at you if the Lord Buddha; you just have a bull dung in your heart, so see others are also a bull dung.
Parents should never carry cow dung in their hearts to see their children. If you keep giving negative hints to your child in your words, not only will you destroy the purity of your child's heart, but you may really distort his character. You know, the child does not have the power and calmness of the Buddha's seal master.
Special Tips
● Anxiety and self-condemnation are common to every child who develops a crush on the opposite sex during adolescence, and it can even be a feeling of guilt if it develops seriously. Instead of making young boys and girls less interested in the opposite sex, this feeling stimulates the growth of interest. Under the pressure of parents and schools, children feel that liking the opposite sex is unclean and immoral, they will act wilfully on the surface and disobey their parents; inside, they are lost and self despised. Only when children have self-respect and self-love, and feel open and normal when interacting with the opposite sex during adolescence, can they develop self-confidence and rationality, and can do so with dignity and self-control.
● "The fact that there are boys who like you means that you are a cute girl; the fact that you have a crush on other boys means that you are also a person who appreciates others."
● "As a cute girl, you will meet many people who appreciate you in the future. To them, we should all be grateful; at the same time, you will also meet many boys who deserve our admiration, and each of them has different merits."
● "A person is only worthy of others' appreciation if he is lovely in himself. If a student is not good in study, has mediocre temperament and average ability, what makes others appreciate him/her. For secondary school students, the most important thing is to study. Temperament and ability are produced on the basis of learning. Only by studying well can they become more and more lovely and get appreciation from others, while they themselves can slowly learn to appreciate others."
One of the major reasons for the deviation of many children in terms of character and behavior is that they are constantly exposed to adult "junk thinking. These junk thinking, like the toxic gases and sewage that some companies unilaterally pursue to produce, slowly pollute the originally pure sky and earth of children, with the result that the destructive nature completely offsets its productive nature.