Problem 1: One parent sings white face and one sings red face
1. parents' contradictory views, children are prone to develop the inertia of avoidance.
Parents' divergent positions towards their children tend to make them dependent on others when things go wrong like to escape and even develop an avoidant personality. People have the instinct of self-protection since childhood, and the know-how to "avoid harm and benefit". When a child makes a mistake and one parent chastises them, the child will instinctively seek refuge. At this point, if the other parent stands up to the lover and "sings the opposite", the child's heart will be in the right place. Over time, the child will form the habit of thinking - there will always be someone to help him, even if I'm wrong. As you can imagine, such a child is likely to see the difficulties around or rely on others, to do the wrong things to excuse themselves, no sense of responsibility."
2. Parental disagreement affects the development of self-control of children
In addition, the Chinese Academy of Sciences Institute of Psychology Associate Professor Li Xinying also pointed out that parental disagreement may also affect the normal development of self-control ability of children. Self-control begins to sprout from early childhood, for example, when the child has leftovers if parents repeatedly and consistently tell him that "leftovers are not right", the child will clearly realize that they are wrong, and later will try to eat all the food. This process of constantly adjusting inappropriate behavior and promoting correct behavior develops self-control. Conversely, if parents often disagree, this ability will not develop.
Correction: Although bridging the parenting gap is not an easy task, small changes can have unexpected effects on parents.
One, in the psychological breakthrough "self-righteousness" barrier, may be reassured to let the wife or husband side of the discipline of the children believe that the other party, as well as their own, are justified.
Second, if you can't agree on a short time, then don't confront your children openly. When the other party is teaching the children, you can go out and wait until the couple is alone, then it is not too late to argue with your lover.
Third, if you really can't agree, you can learn to educate your children together and use "authority" to adjust the perceptions of both people, and then change inappropriate behavior.
Problem 2: Parents always blame each other
"How can you be a mother? The child is always behaving badly, you can't see it?" Mingming's (pseudonym) father yells. "You just know how to talk about me, don't you have to be responsible as a father? You don't care about anything, and now you're blaming me!" The mother also retorted defiantly.
And Ming Ming stared straight at the TV program. As far as he was concerned, he had already seen such scenes. When his mother saw Ming Ming's face, she got angry and yelled at him, "You're not a good boy! It's because of you!" Ming Ming turned off the TV and slammed the door amidst his parents' mutual abuse.
Experts point out that parents blame each other, and children are prone to develop low self-esteem.
The children born in such a family, low self-esteem is the most common psychological characteristic, the worst case is to let them take the wrong path. In life, there are no mistakes, let alone young children, who need to make mistakes to grow as they develop from natural to social beings. However, some parents, like Zhao Ming's parents, start to blame each other after their children make mistakes and put the blame on each other. The child's sense of shame and helplessness will also arise. In the long run, the child will become depressed and inferior. Low self-esteem gives rise to self-destructive emotions, thus "breaking the pot", so that some children really become delinquents.
Corrective measures. Parents should not rush to find the reason for each other, should focus on the child, is to think carefully about what the child has done recently, and analyze why they do so. Then, talk to your child, and ask them what they really think, such as Zhao Ming's parents can start from "which friends are often together recently", "are they more talkative than their previous friends", etc., in order to determine whether the child is really like what they think. This can be used to determine if the child has made bad friends, as he or she thinks. Finally, it's time to reflect on yourself and exchange ideas with your loved ones, but don't blame each other or yourself too much.
Problem Three. Children tend to go to extremes when discipline is tight and loose
Parents are in a good mood, they spoil their children to death; and once the mood is bad, see the child will not feel good, inevitably reprimanded and scolded. A tight and loose family parenting style is really bad.
Many people think that strict parenting is not good, in fact, parents sometimes tight and the sometimes loose way is a lot of disadvantages. In the critical period of a child's growth, parents who are strict with their children will play a positive effect, to help them learn to comply with the established rules, to grow into a qualified society, and a tight one, the most direct consequence is to lead to children's personality defects.
In this regard, experts explain that parents are the first teachers of their children, what they do is the object of their children to emulate. The ups and downs of parents' emotions directly on the child, which will make the child also can not control their own emotions well, in adulthood, the mood will also fluctuate, hot and cold. This may affect the child's interpersonal relationships and may lead to a borderline personality, where the child sees things as either one or the other, black or white, and is prone to extremes.
Parents must first learn to control their own emotions. Parents outside the stimulation, you can find a suitable way to relieve before returning home, such as looking for someone to talk to, exercising, distracting, etc., step back, if the parents are in a bad mood, the child is still causing trouble, then education to the matter is not the right person, do not hurt the child's self-esteem, but to teach them to take responsibility for their mistakes.